I find it intriguing what we as humans and as a society find
funny, taboo and inappropriate in everyday life. For some reason growing up I
never farted in front of my family, being the youngest I took a lot of my
social cues from my older brothers, right and wrong. The old man was more than
happy to "let one rip" but I soon learnt that Mom did not like us
doing that.
South Park are always making fart jokes as too Family Guy. We get
others to "pull our finger" and we are generous in giving others
"cupcakes" but yet the majority of society deemed these acts/shows as
crass. Though this bodily function is natural, everyone does it, so I have
discovered.
Not long after the birth of our first, I discovered that babies
fart, a lot. To the point now that my youngest at nearly two years of age,
whenever she farts her eyes widen and a smile crosses her face as she searches
the room to find someone else to laugh with and acknowledge her air biscuit.
Such as the influence we have over our children and their perceptions in life.
I must plead guilty in teaching her that this is funny, I think it is. She will
even laugh and point at the dog when the dog farts. If I pinched her every time
she farted this would create a different response in her, probably a negative
one. Nurture-1, Nature-0.
My boy is no different, he farts, though at this stage in life
it’s a shart. Sharts are a great indicator of when to
change them though it’s best to give it a few minutes to ensure that he is
done, otherwise you get to change them again. It was an auspicious moment last
night when my little dude farted for the first time without following through,
a real milestone in a young life and proud parents to boot.
Now following through will lead us to Bowel Movements, poos, #2,
turds, craps, logs, cables, butt drool, lawn sausage...you get the idea. When
leaving the hospital you are given a reference card with 6 different photos of
baby poo so you can determine the health of your child. Believe it or not they
are all different colours and honestly these colours scare me a little.
Your baby's first couple of poos will be a thick black sticky tar.
I guess this is the by-product of the nutrients from the umbilical cord and a
build-up of their time in the womb. As odd as this is it is normal. From here
it will change to as the baby starts taking colostrum and become more watery
and will change yet again when the milk finally kicks in. It now looks more
like chunks of curdled milk, again totally normal.
Then came Baby Shit Green. This is actually a colour and surely
this cannot be natural for a child or anyone to produce such waste. Never fear
as referencing my card it has allayed my fears and I am comforted to know that
this is natural. Only time will tell what exciting developments are to follow
in my child's excrement.
A wise man once told me that "You have never been drunk until
you have crapped yourself and I’ve been drunk 3 times". Now having one of
each, both sexes make a terrible mess down there and for now I call it a tie
for the lead. Gents if you think you have never crapped yourself that bad that
you have shit on your balls and up your back then you are sadly mistaken. This
happens a lot when you are young and thankfully the same applies for when you
are drunk, you can’t remember it happening.
For the first few months disposable diapers are the way to deal
with all of this. Moving forward though with our first we trialled a few
different options and found one we liked. Firstly we had a service that was
given to us as a gift. A cloth inner that wrapped around the baby and an outer
cover that Velcro’s over the top. This was great as all you did was put the
diapers in the bin provided and put the bag at your front door once a week,
they were taken away and they leave you new clean ones. As it is difficult to
wrap a wiggling baby twice it was a draw back on this method. We found that
they leaked a lot and we were doing more laundry as a result. Disposables are
expensive and can cost up to $4000 per child until they are potty trained.
Technology advances have progressed to a point that training your child is
happening latter as they are drier and the parents don't feel the need to
change that often nor does the child complain to have your diaper changed. Not
mention the environmental impact!
We settled for cloth diapers. These are not a huge cloth folded
into a triangle and held together with a pin. (I know, that's what I thought
too!) Made locally, they are adjustable, machine washable and styled with
various colours, prints and camouflage for the fashion conscience. An
absorbable insert is coupled with a waterproof polyurethane backed cover and
easily held together with press button studs (I know, I know. In this case I am
in favour for the studs). The worst part is cleaning the poo off in the toilet
but you soon get over that. Let’s face it, if you don't want to deal with poo,
you will neither have a pet nor off spring. We got 17 of these for about $150
and this lasts us about 2 days. There is a bit more laundry to do but not
enough you need to do it every day nor does the house smell like crap. The
additional waste is zero.
Like most families we got a dog a before we had kids but not for
the reasons you think. Having children with my wife was never an issue, we both
wanted them. She had seen me with my nieces and deemed me responsible enough.
As a medical professional she is trained to deal with bodily fluids and
functions but me not so much. Having the dog taught me that I could deal with
the avalanche of shit that was soon to come my way. Dog poo is way, way, easier
to deal with.
